Confessions of a Yelling Mom in Long-term Recovery

As a 43-year-old woman in recovery from addiction, raising two small children has been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. I never could have imagined then that I would become a mom in long-term recovery, let alone a yelling mom in long-term recovery. I was smart enough not to want kids because I knew how selfish my addiction was. I also witnessed women in jail destroyed as a result of losing custody of their children as a result of their addictions and incarcerations. It was devastating, to say the least. Maybe one of the reasons that my eventual and unexpected journey to motherhood was a turning point in my life, leading me to sobriety the moment I found out I was pregnant.

I left my apartment and checked into our local homeless shelter with a habit, a 450-credit score, and a correctional GPS around my ankle. Three years later, I purchased my own 350k home. It’s amazing what we can do when we finally find our purpose. My kids—my 3-year-old boy, Malyckai, and my 7-year-old girl, Mikaiyah—I call them my little M&Ms, are my greatest accomplishments, and they are the reason I wake up every day with drive and determination to do better- be better. If I did it I am here to tell you ANYONE can.

But let’s be real here – parenting is tough in the best of circumstances. Add in the complexities of being in recovery plus any mental health issues you may struggle with because we all do, and you’ve got yourself a whole new level of challenges. From navigating tantrums to managing emotions, every day brings its own set of trials and tribulations.

I never wanted children because I knew my addiction was selfish, not to mention I had spent most of the almost twenty years prior to getting pregnant doing life on the installment plan. Not to mention, I didn’t think I had a maternal bone in my body.

The biggest reason being that I saw so many good and strong women broken and destroyed, falling down and never truly getting back up as a result of losing custody of their children while incarcerated. Most would overdose within months of being released after losing them. Even then, I understood.

This, along with my advancing age, is the reason finding out I was pregnant at the age of thirty-five had such a profound effect on me. Never mind that I was running a trap house and selling dope with a correctional GPS bracelet around my ankle. It changed everything in a way that I could have never surmised. Suddenly, it wasn’t about me anymore. Turns out that made all the difference.

It has never been easy, but I approach parenting like the big Peter Pan syndrome kid that I am. I am spontaneous. I am extremely loud. I run. I play. I scream, and I yell. I’m boisterous, gregarious, and playful. You could say I have a big personality. People tend to either love me or hate me with no in-between. Yes, I yell at my kids. I yell like crazy, and they yell back. Sometimes, I end up in tears, and sometimes, I am laughing so hard by the time I’m done that I can barely breathe, and they are, too.

One thing I’ve learned along the way is that yelling seems to come naturally to many parents as it does to me. It’s almost like a reflex – a knee-jerk reaction to the chaos that ensues when you’re trying to juggle a million things at once. But why do we yell? And why do our kids seem to brush it off with a laugh rather than cower in fear?

First, let’s address the elephant in the room – hitting/spanking. As someone who has experienced the damaging effects of physical punishment firsthand, I refuse to lay a hand on my children. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to the urge to lash out when I’m overwhelmed. Yelling becomes a way to release pent-up frustration without resorting to violence. I will never ever put a hand on my kids, but now they know it, and that’s where things get messy. What happens these days when kids figure out we can’t whoop their a$$es? If you already know please fill us in in the comments below.

But here’s the thing – yelling isn’t the answer either. It may provide temporary relief, but it doesn’t solve the underlying issues. And trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way. My kids may giggle or roll their eyes when I raise my voice, but deep down, I know it’s not the kind of parent I want to be. When I am fully aware that every neighbor within a half-mile radius can hear me, and I don’t even care, it is probably something I need to work on, and that’s okay. I’m working on it.

I started doing research, and I found that it can take a preschool-aged child up to twenty seconds to follow through with a question or command. That time is called cognitive processing speed. After finding this tidbit, I made a conscious effort to wait 20-30 seconds after a request made to my kids, and that alone has decreased my yelling by half! It’s these little tidbits that help us change the game.

So why do we yell? Sometimes, we yell because we’re tired, stressed, or feeling overwhelmed. Other times, we yell because we’re trying to assert our authority or get our point across. But more often than not, we yell because we’re human—flawed, imperfect, and prone to moments of weakness. Also, annoyed.

We yell because we are annoyed. I used to get annoyed a lot before I integrated the information below into my routine. Life is annoying, and if we are honest, no matter how much we love our kids- kids are annoying. There. I said it.

But here’s the silver lining – it’s never too late to change. As a yelling mom in long-term recovery, I’ve made it my mission to find healthier ways to cope with stress and communicate with my children. It’s a work in progress, but I’m committed to breaking the cycle of yelling and creating a more peaceful home environment, even if I wouldn’t exactly call it peaceful.

So how do we stop being yelling moms? Here are a few tips, tricks, and hacks that have helped me along the way:

1. Meditate: Meditation has made me the kind of Zen person I never dreamed I could be. Even five minutes a day keeps me on an even keel. I wish I had started sooner. I have ADHD, and I meditate just fine, so no excuses.
2. Practice mindfulness: Take a moment to pause and breathe before reacting in anger. My daughter can usually tell when I am getting close to blowing my stack, and she will say, “Mama, breathe. In with the good. Out with the bad.” and repeat. It has become incredibly grounding and helpful, and I appreciate her for it every day.
3. Use positive reinforcement: Focus on praising good behavior rather than dwelling on the negative. I know how it feels to have a parent constantly highlight the negative, and that’s not going to happen in my house. Now, I tend to overreward, but that’s why we are progressing around here, not perfecting.
4. Set boundaries: Establish clear rules and consequences and stick to them consistently. This one is easy if you don’t have to worry about another parent or party allowing things to go down behind your back. Lay out the expectations and the consequences should they not be. That way, you can let them know that they were fully aware of the consequences when they made their poor choice. I lied. This one is NOT easy. Why kids want to force us to be di#$s is beyond me. I have a hard time sticking to what I threaten, so for this one, we will just say it’s a work-in-progress thing. Let me know what your experiences have been with this below.
5. Seek support: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist for guidance and encouragement. I’m not too big on this one, but I added it because not everyone is like me and would rather take a bullet to the brain before asking anyone for help. Support is good, and maybe, unlike me, you still have friends in your recovery. Utilize them.
6. Prioritize self-care: Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup—take time to recharge and rejuvenate. I am horrible about self-care, but again, it’s another of the many things I am working on.
7. Use humor: Diffuse tense situations with humor by finding ways to inject laughter into your interactions with your children. Sometimes, a funny joke or silly gesture can help lighten the mood and shift the focus away from frustration. This is my go-to. My kids and I stay laughing. It truly is the best medicine, and I have no problem making a fool out of myself to see those beautiful smiles and hearing that beautiful laughter.
8. Set realistic expectations: Recognize that parenting is a demanding job, and it’s okay not to have all the answers or handle every situation perfectly. Set realistic expectations for yourself and your children, and be gentle with yourself when things don’t go as planned. Kids are unpredictable, and sometimes we have background stuff going on. Just do what you have to do to ensure you never lay a hand on your children, and if you do yell, take it easy on yourself.
9. Practice empathy: Before reacting, put yourself in your child’s shoes and consider their perspective. Understanding their feelings can help diffuse tense situations and foster better communication. This really works, too. Once I make a point to check in and empathize it tends to make things easier on all of us.
10. Use positive language: Instead of focusing on what you don’t want your child to do, try phrasing your requests in a positive and encouraging manner. For example, instead of saying, “Stop running in the house,” try saying, “Let’s use our walking feet indoors.” You will be surprised by the difference that this one small change makes.
11. Take breaks: When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or on the verge of yelling, excuse yourself from the situation and take a short break to calm down. Use this time to take a few deep breaths, collect your thoughts, and regain your composure before addressing the issue.
12. Implement a signal: Create a visual or auditory signal that reminds you to pause and reflect before reacting with anger. This could be as simple as placing a sticky note on the fridge or setting a calming chime on your phone to go off periodically throughout the day. We have a code word that we can say when we think someone is stepping out of line. It makes things fun for everyone when you do this.
13. Seek professional help: I don’t mean that. I do, but not like you think. If yelling has become a persistent issue despite your very best efforts to control it, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in parenting or anger management. They can provide valuable insights and strategies to help you break the cycle of yelling and build healthier communication habits with your children. I say this only because of your status in recovery. We never want to jeopardize our recoveries, and being a single mom or just being a mom is hard work, and it is the most thankless of jobs. Just know if you need to talk, I am here for you. Hit me up, and I will help in any way I can.

At the end of the day, parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, laughter and tears. But by embracing our imperfections and learning from our mistakes, we can become the parents our children need and deserve – loving, compassionate, and always striving to do better. And remember, you’re not alone. We’re all in this together, one yelling mom at a time.

Amid the chaos and the occasional yelling, there are moments of pure joy and laughter that remind me why I became a mom in the first place, not that I had much of a choice. Whether it’s watching my son take his first wobbly steps or hearing my daughter’s infectious giggle, these moments are the fuel that keeps me going, even on the toughest days. No matter how much I used to yell my children know how very much they are loved.

My goal is to inspire my children. I don’t want them to look at me and see the person I once was. I want them to look at me and see the journey I’ve embarked on for them, how far I have travelled, and what I have accomplished. I want to give them enough to be inspired by. I want them to know what a boss mom they came from and to have zero doubts of what they are capable of.

Getting back to it, know that it is important to acknowledge that being a middle-aged, recovering, single mom adds an extra layer of complexity to the parenting journey. There are days when the weight of my past mistakes feels like the heaviest of burdens, and I worry about whether I’m doing enough to break the cycle of addiction for my children. But then I remind myself that every day sober is a victory and that I have the power to rewrite my story and create a brighter future for my family. My only real goal is to give my children a childhood they don’t have to heal from. Sounds easy enough, right? They tell me I’m doing alright so far, so fingers crossed.

So, to all the recovering yelling moms out there, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to struggle, to stumble, and to make mistakes along the way. What matters is that you keep showing up, keep trying, and keep loving your children with all your heart. Don’t spank or hit your little guys. I’m living proof that it just doesn’t work. You are a mom of all moms. A mom rockstar and if you ever need a reminder that you’re doing an amazing job, just look into the eyes of your little ones – because they see you as their superhero, flaws and all. Trust me on this.

Together, we can rewrite the narrative of parenting one day at a time. So, let’s embrace the chaos, find humor in the madness, and celebrate the small victories along the way. After all, it’s not about being perfect—it’s about being present, loving fiercely, and never giving up, no matter what life throws our way. And remember, you’ve got this. We’ve got this. And together, we can conquer anything that comes our way.

As we navigate the ups and downs of parenthood, let’s remember to extend grace to ourselves and each other. Let’s create a community where we can share our struggles and triumphs, lean on each other for support, and lift each other up when we need it most. To join this new judgment-free, supportive, all-inclusive, free-of-charge community, click below. We can work together to prove them all wrong and, even better, show them what we can do. Oh yeahhhhh.

And to my fellow recovering yelling moms, I want to leave you with this: You are stronger than you know, braver than you believe, and more loved than you could ever imagine. Your journey may be filled with twists and turns, but every step forward is a victory worth celebrating.

So, let’s embrace the messiness of motherhood, the imperfections of recovery, and the beauty of being human. Together, we can rewrite the narrative, one moment of laughter, love, and connection at a time.

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