Samantha Bushika
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Samantha Bushika
I am eight years sober from an addiction that nearly killed me. I am the OG-She who rose from the ashes of my own destruction, and for the rest of my life, I help others rise. Proving them all wrong with every achievement. You should hang around so we can really show them what we can do!
“True strength is not found in never facing problems but in rising above them with resilience. It’s in the courage to confront challenges and the determination to emerge stronger than before.”
As I sit here on this beautiful August morning, I am doing what I often do in the mornings when I haven’t even laid my head on my pillow yet. I don’t sleep much, and like last night, I often don’t sleep at all. I’m not still up when the birds start to sing for the same reason I was for most of my adult life, and for that, I have more gratitude than I could ever express. We do recover.
Mornings like this are to be cherished and appreciated. I sit on the back deck of the 350k home that I own, watching all my wild birds fight with my squirrels and chipmunks for the seed I put into their feeders every few days. I catch myself smiling as I listen to their beautiful songs. They know me, and they can feel the love I have for them. They skip and hop so close to me because they know we are friends.
In My Past Life
It was extremely rare that I experienced this kind of beauty throughout my life, which is why I appreciate it so much now. I was hurting and in pain. My mornings of still being up when the birds began their songs were an entirely different story for me back then.
I don’t miss those mornings. I never liked them to begin with. They were a distraction from my intrinsic struggles. They were a way for me to make the physical pain hurt so much that I wasn’t able to focus on my mental and emotional pain. Those mornings were the worst.
C’mon, you know the mornings I am talking about. Those “one-more-hit-so-I-don’t-have-to-sober-up-and-think-about-the-fact-that-I-blew-all-my-re-up-money-except-for-the-last-$100-but-being-that-I-really-don’t-want-to-feel-those-feels-I’m-going-to-spend-that-too-because-I-am-living-in-the-right-freaking-here-and-right-freaking-now-moment-and-I-don’t-care-a-second-past-my-next-hit” kinda mornings.
Those Mornings
I truly hated those mornings. My body would be in so much pain from sticking myself with needles over and over. You have to remember my addiction took place before addiction was considered a disease medically, and trust me, this world was no place to be addicted during those times. I look back now, and I wonder how the world couldn’t see the pain I carried. I’m sure they did but they just didn’t care. I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t silently screaming inside. I can’t bear the thought of another young girl going through that.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying there is an excuse for shooting myself up with crack for weeks on end throughout the entirety of my heroin addiction because there isn’t. Looking at the damage my use has done to my body, I can tell you that the best feeling drug wasn’t worth it, so one that made me feel like every shot was my last… Why?.
I would do hits so big my head would start spinning, and that ‘wha wha wha’ sound would pop off like when we used to huff Glade as kids back in the day. My heart would pound out of my chest, and instant cold sweat drops would fall onto the collar of my shirt. Addiction is a disease. That moment before I thought I would die was a moment free from my pain, so even though I didnt particularly enjoy the drug, I just kept going. I referred to these mornings as the ‘more mornings.’
The Fallen
Every time I would think of all those I’ve lost in this same way, “Aww.. shit I did it this time. This is it. I’m coming, guys. So much for proving them all wrong.” I would think it nonchalantly like I was referencing going back to finishing school (aka. jail.)
The only thing I thought besides selling drugs that I was ever good at, but I was talking to my fallen comrades. Those who fell before me and those who each took a piece of me with them when they went, and there were so many I don’t know how anything was left.
I distinctly remember that this was never a pleasant feeling. Sometimes, not often, I would throw up, and for some reason, that’s what would really scare me. Other times, I couldn’t hit a vein, and my shot would start to coagulate (harden). I would be forced to shoot it into my artery. Who does that voluntarily? Who chooses that? That artery is now blown out and causes constant pain, swelling, and discoloration in my hand.
These were not pretty times for me, and they usually followed low points in my life. The loss of a loved one, job, apartment, breakup, baby, all of the above, etc. I was hurting, and nobody cared. Nobody ever cared. I know if youre reading this, you most definitely know exactly how it feels, and that, my friends, is why I am here doing what I am doing.
What’s Coming
I also have to tell you that for my entire twenty years in the Department of Corrections, I never not once went to jail without party favors (drugs), and it’s not for the reasons you might think. Every time I went to jail, I was immediately taken off all of my mental health meds and maintenance meds, even if I provided a clean urine sample.
Being prescribed benzos I was TERRIFIED of this and took every precaution to ensure that I survived the torture of segregation, insomnia, and detox. I would have done anything to avoid it. Just writing about it has me feeling anxious. They didn’t care that we could die from benzo withdrawal. They didn’t car that we were human because to them we were the lowest of humans, and back then most of us agreed, which is exactly what they aimed for.
Add the fact that they knew me and pretty much administratively segregated me for a month every time I rolled in, and best believe the worst thing you can do to someone like me in a circumstance like this is leave me to my own devices in a cell and not allowed roommates.
I remember listening to the INCAP (incapacitated) inmates snoring, and I hated them so much. I would have given anything to be able to sleep. Not that I get much more sleep with drugs, but think about it. Think about detoxing from all your daily drugs and meds all at once while being in jail, knowing precisely what’s coming, an inability to sleep, just lost anything you had going on out there like relationships, cars, apartments, school, etc. and getting thrown in a cell for God knows how long with the one person you hate the most in the world… Yourself.
When I Was Nothing
I have been there more times than I could count, and I wouldn’t do this to my worst enemy. I don’t know how I got through all those times. I really don’t. After we did the seg time those addicted were forced into another locked in unit called Foxtrot. The drug unit. We were locked in, not allowed outside rec, no commissary except hygiene, no school, and one drug group weekly.
We starved. We sat there and watched all of the murderers and kid crimers walk by our unit every Thursday with big bags of commissary. It does something to you. We tried to fight it all. I was law librarian for most of that twenty years and the grievances never left the building and considering the scandel and controversy within the Chittenden Regional Correctional Facility over the years thats beyond scary. Go on. Click it. We lived it. It was bad and what’s in the news isn’t even close to half of it.
For the last eight years, every moment like my beautiful morning has been immediately followed by a moment of remembering a life where I was nothing. A twenty-year period where I was weak and in pain, and the weakness and pain caused me to allow how I perceived the enforcers of the injustice system felt about me to determine how I felt about myself. This was my biggest mistake. Worse than anything I have ever done by far.
I had a disease before the populace knew it was a disease. Because they hadn’t figured it out yet, I was treated beyond inhumanely. I was targeted and tortured by a failing and completely clueless system that hasn’t changed at all. When I stopped allowing them to beat and keep me down, telling me I was a program failure for a program I don’t recall ever attending, I did in three years what most people can’t do in a lifetime.
Purpose
I checked into a homeless shelter to avoid drug use and selling drugs at the age of thirty-five, with a 450-credit score and a correctional GPS around my ankle. I was on Methadone, but I was used to getting high all day on top of it. I was pregnant with my daughter. I had never wanted kids, but they saved whats left of my life. I woke up everyday and somehow Joe Dispenza was on my TV. Talking about The Law of Attraction. I used to laugh about it all, but I was desperate so I decided to keep an open mind.
I made small changes every day that I knew would add up to big results over time. The Compound Effect. (See Affiliate Disclosure.) I started smiling at people on the street and leaving money on the diapers at the gas station. I started giving when I could have been taking. After a bit, it started to come naturally.
I worked hard, and I became a professional coach and a proud mother. I now have a seven-year-old daughter, Mikaiyah, and a four-year-old son, Malyckai. M&M. My late-in-life babies give me a purpose, and I paid off all the debt and made all the contacts. I completed my addiction counseling education program at Westfield State, which led to me having my own caseload of Substance Abuse Therapy clients as an intern!
I have always been a helper of people, but I saw myself as nothing. I saw myself as the worst part of any society. My self-worth was so far below ground level I was in hell. With every small, unexpected act of kindness that I never shared and never took credit for, I got back a piece of the real me, the not-on-drugs me.
Healing
I knew I had parts of myself that I needed to heal and integrate, so I was led to Carl Jung’s Shadow Work. I found trauma I had never even identified from the cycle and a lifetime of addiction and incarceration. Instead of stuffing it all, I took it out piece by piece. All of the old pain and trauma, and I started by saying it out loud, and I intuitively went from there. Shadow work allowed me to process, integrate, and accept all of that pain piece by piece. It felt sooo… good after.
Every piece addressed empowered me in a way I can’t begin to articulate. It was amazing. The confidence I had never found as a child was being allowed to grow and mature. This is who I was supposed to be. I finally felt right.
I started gardening, which brings me so much happiness. I began seeking knowledge, reading every second of the day, thanks to Audible. I still do. Knowledge is power, friends. I began investing in stocks and crypto, and for the first time in my existence, I began making the right choices.
I took it even further and I began personally developing. I worked on my portfolio. I became a certified credit counselor because I never knew how important credit was and I want to help people. I got certifications in anything I could find and got my CTP (Certified Trauma Professional). I am not close to done yet. I love learning. Who knew?
The Real Me
I started getting to know myself as the real me, and I was an honest-to-goodness good person. I became obsessed with helping as many people as I could. I worked hard with my clients and learning from my mistakes, just like I should have been doing before I used my childhood and early adulthood to secure my life as an inmate and addicted person.
Before I knew it, I was confident enough to attempt to purchase a home now worth 350k, and I succeeded, baby!
The best part was during this time, when I was working so hard on becoming my very best and highest self, they all told me and anyone that they would listen that it would never happen. They told me not to get my hopes up because ‘we all know how this ends.’
They called me CRAZY, and I was repeatedly reminded that people like me don’t get those kinds of opportunities and that I should keep my three-story apartment because I was lucky even to get it.
Prove Them All Wrong
This is the best part because this is where I first started to PROVE THEM ALL WRONG. I got my house, and here we are four years later, and I have yet to be late on my mortgage even once. For some reason, this REALLY pissed people off. People get really mad when you stop making it so easy for them to look good, and I had let them off the hook for years.
The entire town was in an uproar.
They started rumors, and I was again torn and beaten down. They said I forged paperwork and used a fake identity. They claimed I had purchased the deed through a hacker on the dark web. They said I was squatting, and I pushed an elderly couple out of their only home. My best friend who waa living with me went back to jail after a relapse and slowly they all stopped coming around. They went around saying I thought I was better and I was on a high horse and thats just not me. Any of it. I just no longer have anything they need.
This is the part where I lost every friend I had. Shortly after, I realized that I was happier than I had ever been; it was quiet. Suddenly, there was no drama. The weight of other people’s problems wasn’t weighing me down. I realized that none of them had ever been real friends to me. I put all of my energy into giving my beautiful, life-saving children a childhood they don’t have to heal from.
The difference was that I wasn’t mad at all. It felt too good. It was exhilarating. The only thing I did was tell them that I’m not even close to done yet, so they can go on bashing me and hating on me because I finally found my purpose and put in the work. I’ve proved them all wrong, so now I am going to show them what we can do. If I did what I’ve done, then you can, too. We do recover! Media just never features the success stories.
Recovery
Recovery isn’t just about quitting drugs or alcohol use disorder; it’s about rebuilding your life from the ground up. It’s about facing the reality of substance use problems and accepting that there’s a new way to live—a way that doesn’t rely on substances to cope with life’s challenges. The opposite of addiction isn’t just sobriety; it’s connection, purpose, and fulfillment.
The program of recovery I follow emphasizes spiritual principles, which have been crucial to my growth. While it’s a simple way to approach life, it’s also profound. It’s a simple spiritual—not religious—program that has transformed my entire outlook. I’ve learned to trust a higher power, something greater than myself, which guides me through difficult times. This has been essential, especially when dealing with the lingering effects of anxiety disorders and other mental health issues that can accompany substance use disorder.
As I progressed on my recovery journey, I realized the importance of community resources and treatment providers who genuinely care about the lives of many addicts. These people show up for us and offer support when we need it the most, and it matters.
Whether it’s a general helpline, like SafeSpot (the overdose prevention helpline I work for,) or a local community center, having access to these services can make all the difference. For me, it wasn’t the NA meetings and the support from the Narcotics Anonymous World Services that provided the foundation I needed to start over.
I did it on my own, but many people need everything that a 12-step program has to offer. It’s important to remember that everyone is different; what works for you may not work for another. It can be a hard pill to swallow. (Pun intended.)
Throughout this journey, I’ve come to understand that personal information is powerful. Sharing my story, the highs and lows, has been therapeutic for me and, I hope, helpful to others. It’s a reminder that recovery is possible and that the bitter ends—jails, institutions, and near-death experiences—are not the only thing that defines us.
Help
Medical detox and treatment centers play a critical role in early recovery, helping people to safely transition from a life dominated by drug use to one where they can begin to function again. It isn’t easy and certainly isn’t the last choice to make, but it is necessary. The service providers and therapeutic community are instrumental in helping people believe that a better life is possible. If you are in need of treatment, please call the SAMHSA national helpline to get a treatment referral at 1-800-662-4357 (HELP).
Now, I focus on maintaining an open mind and continually working on my personal development. I’ve learned that the only way to live my best life is by staying connected to the recovery community, as should anyone struggling with addiction or alcohol. You can try following the twelve steps, which, for some, can be a guiding light through the darkest times.
I also recognize the importance of non-profit organizations dedicated to helping those struggling with substance abuse and alcohol addictions. Their mission statement often reflects the same values that saved my life—hope, community, and the belief that recovery is possible for everyone. Whether you’re reaching out to a recovery helpline like SafeSpot, the one I work for, attending your first meeting, or seeking out addiction services, the support is there if you’re willing to take the first step.
For anyone still caught in the grips of active addiction or battling a substance use disorder, know that there is hope. It may feel like the end of the road, but it’s not. There’s a new way forward, a simple way that can lead you to a life filled with purpose, peace, and fulfillment. The journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth every step. I promise. If you need help please contact me at the email below and I will do anything I can to help you on your journey. I swear I have zero will power and I did it with the help of my own self-made program. YOU GOT THIS!
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If this post resonated with you or you have something you would like to add or share, please do so in the comments below. You know I love to hear from you. You could also support my work by liking, sharing, commenting, subscribing, following, and registering to join our free-of-charge, supportive, all-inclusive, judgment-free, meet-you-where-your-at online community where teachers learn, and learners teach all while working together to #provethemallwrong and #showthemwhatwecando.
In our support forums, you can give support or receive support all on the same day. This community is for all of us who are more progressors, less perfectors. Addiction is not a prerequisite. All are welcome. This is a new, growing community, so please have patience, and if there are any issues, please contact me at [email protected]
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“First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.”
-Napoleon Hill
Imagination is the starting point for all creation. It’s where our thoughts begin to take shape, forming the foundation for ideas and plans. As we organize these ideas, they evolve into clear, actionable steps.
The true magic happens when we take those steps and turn our vision into reality. This process highlights the power of our inner world—where what begins as a mere thought can transform into something tangible and impactful.
It all starts with the ability to imagine and then methodically bring that imagination to life.
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