The Dangers of People Pleasing in Recovery: How I Overcame It

People pleasing can be a common trait in those who are in recovery from addiction or other mental health issues. While it may seem like a positive trait, constantly putting others’ needs before your own can lead to burnout and hinder our own progress. Learn how to break the cycle of people pleasing and prioritize your own well-being in this informative post.

I’ve decided that every post I write doesn’t have to be perfectly optimized for SEO or strictly informative. That’s just no fun, and I am fun. I started this blog to do what I love… Help people, make money, and write. I believe I have helped a few people. I have yet to make a cent. So, I have decided that once in a while, I can make a post that is not keyword researched or anything but my thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, and/or experiences. (Psssttt… I won’t Iie. I did end up optimizing for SEO, but there are typos.)

People don’t have to read any of them if they don’t want to. I think it’s important for my readers to get to know me and how I have and continue to cope in my seven years of recovery from IV heroin addiction. I think it might help people, and what do I love to do? What do you guys think? Yes! Help people! I am going to share a bit about my journey of people-pleasing, and then I will share how to STOP RIGHT NOW, and like usual, if I can do it, then you guys totally got this.

This is a topic that I regularly struggle with. I struggle with this just about every day, and I have recently gotten to a point where I just don’t want any ‘friends’ because it becomes too painful for the new and improved me. I am always letting people move right on in when they need a place to stay, whether they are getting out of jail or they got evicted because their kids destroy property. I turn my life upside down to help them and… I basically get spit in my face every… single… time.

You don’t know until you know. I have been homeless. I have sat in jail for lack of residence because nobody wanted FSU (field supervisory unit) officers all up in their business. It’s the worst feeling not having a home. It’s almost as bad as losing one with all of your possessions, which I have done more times than I would like to admit. I can’t bear to allow someone else to experience that kind of pain and suffering when I can immediately offer a solution AND be the hero. It’s just too irresistible. (Oh, don’t judge me. We all have our ish.)

Lately, I have to admit that I was beginning to lose respect for myself. How I went from being the OG-She that I thought I was to this getting-punked-out-on-the-regular-fool is beyond me, and I knew it had to stop, so I changed it.

This is why all of my best friends are guys. Women have just caused me a lot of drama and trauma. Not to mention I was bi-sexual before it was the cool thing to be, and sometimes my lines got blurred, and I ruined some amazing female friendships by involving that extra element temporarily. I care a bit too much now. Why? I have yet to meet a person that matches my loyalty. My best friend did until recently when he didn’t. I think of my loyalty as a curse because I have this running theme where I get what I have come to call ‘hurt for helping.’

You can tell I don’t have friends anymore because I am CONSTANTLY talking to myself… Out… Loud… I actually realized the other night that I am okay with this. I am learning that relationships should be rewarding. I know! It’s a shocker, right? Surprised the tweedle twaddle out of me. They also shouldn’t be work. We shouldn’t have to try hard to be or stay friends with someone. Another shocker. Prepare yourself for this next bit. You should FEEL GOOD after spending time with friends. Not depleted. Not sad. Not defeated or put down. Not like you are running a competition for your life and losing. Not one-upped and not one-downed. After spending time with friends, you should feel… FANTASTIC! If you’re like me, this hasn’t happened since high school.

I read a lot of people’s comments about suddenly turning into “yes” people in their recoveries, meaning that, like me, people have a hard time saying no. Why do you think this happens? Is it because we feel obligated because we spent so much of our lives disappointing people? Is it because, for once, we want to receive a positive reaction? Is it because we are dying for external approval from others in any way we can get it? Is it because nobody ever says yes to us? Is it from not being heard as children?

I have picked this apart until there is nothing left to pick, and I will tell you why I can’t say no to people. It’s because I have what I have coined the “my mommy never loved me syndrome.”

People pleasers often have a deep-seated need for approval and validation from others (Mommy never loved me). They may feel that their worth is tied to how much they can do for others or how much they are liked by others.

This mindset can be particularly dangerous in recovery, as it can lead to neglecting our needs and boundaries to please others, which we all do. I don’t care what you say. It’s important to recognize this mindset and work on developing a healthier sense of self-worth and self-care, which most of us are horrible at, to begin with.

This brings me to another common issue: our lack of healthy boundaries. Does anyone else REALLY struggle with this? I totally do, and it also seeps into almost every other area of my life. Hold tight, and we will touch on this too.

People pleasing in recovery can have a number of negative effects on our well-being. It can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of boundaries. It can also make it difficult to prioritize one’s own recovery and self-care. It’s important to recognize these negative effects and develop a healthier mindset that prioritizes your well-being. This may involve setting better boundaries, learning to say no, and focusing on your own needs and goals. Sounds easy, right? For me? Not so much.

I have always had to have the approval of older women. Whether it was my friend’s mom’s or my girlfriend’s. I could never quite put my finger on it. Sure, I figured it might have something to do with returning to our apartment when I was fourteen and realizing that everything was gone, but my bedroom had remained untouched. No note. No forwarding address. That was when I decided at that very young age that I would never be a victim, period. When your mom leaves and takes your sister and not you (even if you were the reason for the eviction), it does something to you. If my mom couldn’t love me, then who would?

I spent so much of my life disappointing anyone that was in it that I guess it felt good to be able to say yes to others in need and follow through. It felt really good. Until I started getting extorted, and people I had taken in began calling my job when they couldn’t get any more out of me. I have always been someone that kept my word.

To this day, my word means something, but a lot happens that we have no control over. That lack of control that powerlessness can drive a person insane. It has to be the worst feeling in the world. I guess I got sick of spending my life feeling either like I was on top of the world (high) or powerless (finishing school.)

Helping others allowed me to feel in control. Ultimately, I choose how I am helping and how much I am willing to help. After a while, it becomes almost addicting. Just like the way everyone wants to be near you when you sell drugs. I was addicted to that feeling too. I felt needed, and we all know I was, but definitely not in any kind of healthy context. It was all fabricated, and I knew it, but I had to let it feel good, or else I would have never felt anything.

As I mentioned above, one of the most important steps in overcoming people-pleasing in recovery is learning to set boundaries and say no. This is often difficult for us, especially if we have a history of putting others’ needs before our own. However, setting boundaries and saying no is essential for maintaining our own well-being and recovery. It’s important to clearly assert our boundaries and stick to them, even if it means disappointing others. Remember, our recovery and well-being should always come first. It’s so hard, though! Like beyond hard, especially when you have gotten into a cycle with someone. I promise there is hope, though. There is always hope.

Prioritizing self-care is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing in recovery. This means taking time for yourself, engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and setting aside time for rest and reflection. It’s important to remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish but rather a necessary part of maintaining your recovery and overall well-being. Make self-care a priority in your daily routine, and don’t be afraid to ask for support from friends, family, or an accountability partner, if needed.

I have struggled with this greatly since becoming a late-in-life mom in recovery. I had no idea how hard it would be with kids, a house, and doing it all on my own. I noticed that when I don’t take care of myself, and I never do, I was becoming an “angry mom.” I have never been angry in my life, but running around picking up after people after spending twenty hours in a windowless office that very much resembles my quarters in finishing school, can cause some serious resentments to build.

When I ask my six-year-old, “when do you see mommy do something for myself? My nails? Sit down and watch a tv show? Read a book?” and all she can come up with is showers, you know there is a problem. A shower is the only thing I give myself every day. It’s literally my only self-care, and I know it ain’t healthy, but we are progressing, not perfecting, around here, right?

Click here to get my self-love/self-care workbook freebie.

Overcoming people pleasing in recovery can be challenging, and it’s important to seek support from a therapist or support group. A therapist can help you identify the underlying causes of your people-pleasing behavior and develop strategies for setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing your own needs. Support groups can also provide a safe and supportive environment for sharing your experiences and receiving encouragement from others who are going through similar challenges. Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness, and can be a crucial step in your recovery journey.

Setting boundaries is essential for building healthy relationships and improving our quality of life. However, it can be challenging to establish boundaries and start saying no, especially if you’re used to putting others’ needs before your own. Here are thirty creative ways to help you establish healthy boundaries and start saying no:

1. Practice self-awareness – Learn to recognize your limits and understand the reasons behind them. Take the time to reflect on your values, beliefs, and needs. Be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot tolerate. Knowing your limits will help you establish boundaries that are true to who you are. Don’t overpromise and disappoint. Be realistic.
2. Communicate effectively – Clearly express your needs and feelings to others. Be direct and specific about what you want and need. Use “I” statements to avoid blaming others and take ownership of your feelings. Effective communication is key to establishing healthy boundaries. You already know.
3. Be assertive – Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Don’t be afraid to speak up and defend your boundaries. Be confident and firm in your communication. Assertiveness is a valuable skill that will help you establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
4. Use “I” statements – Take responsibility for your feelings and avoid blaming others. Again, using “I” statements can help you communicate your needs and feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You’re being rude,” say, “I feel disrespected when you interrupt me.”

5. Be consistent – Stick to your boundaries and say no consistently. Once you’ve established your boundaries, it’s important to stick to them. Saying no consistently reinforces your boundaries and lets others know you’re serious. Let them know this is all about you and NOTHING to do with them. This helps enforce consistency.
6. Be firm – Don’t waver or give in to pressure. You’re the boss. This is your story. It’s natural for people to test your boundaries, but it’s important to stand your ground. Don’t let others pressure you into doing something that goes against your values or beliefs. We have done too much of this already.
7. Prioritize your needs – Put your needs and well-being first. It’s not selfish to prioritize your needs. In fact, it’s necessary for building healthy relationships. Taking care of yourself will help you establish and maintain healthy boundaries. It’s hard at first, but like I always say, “if I can do it…”
8. Don’t apologize – You have the right to say no without feeling guilty. Saying no is not rude or selfish. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and say no when you need to. Don’t apologize for setting healthy boundaries. Not for nothing, but I still over-apologize. Don’t beat yourself up.
9. Set clear boundaries – Define what is and isn’t acceptable to you. Be clear about your expectations and communicate them effectively. Setting clear boundaries will help you avoid confusion and misunderstandings. Write them down. I have created a list I will add to this page that I printed and placed on my fridge.

10. Use body language – Use nonverbal cues to reinforce your message. Your body language can communicate a lot about how you feel. Use open and confident body language to reinforce your boundaries. Don’t be scared to chest bump if that’s what you got to do to get the point across. No, I’m playing. That’s old behavior. You shouldn’t do that… Unless you absolutely have to.
11. Say no without explanation – You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your boundaries. It’s okay to say no without giving a reason. You have the right to set boundaries that are true to who you are. This one is a toughie for me as well. It does get easier with time.

12. Practice saying no – Get comfortable with saying no by practicing in low-stakes situations. Saying no can be uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice. Start by saying no in low-stakes situations, like turning down an invitation to a social event.
13. Use positive language – Frame your boundaries in a positive way. Instead of saying, “I can’t do that,” say, “I would rather do this.” Positive language can help you communicate your needs without sounding negative or accusatory.
14. Don’t over-explain – Keep your message clear and concise. Over-explaining can lead to confusion and misunderstandings. Keep your message clear and to the point. I tend to always over-explain, which helped me because after I say no, they just don’t want to hear anything else I have to say. Let them run to the door. Don’t let it hit you in the…
15. Understand your values – Base your boundaries on your values and beliefs. Your boundaries should reflect who you are and what you stand for. Understanding your values will help you establish boundaries that are true to yourself.

16. Take small steps – Start with small boundaries and work your way up. Setting boundaries can be overwhelming at first. Start with small boundaries and work your way up to bigger ones.
17. Use humor – Lighten the mood and reduce tension with humor. Humor can be a great way to diffuse tension and make others feel more comfortable. Use humor to communicate your boundaries in a lighthearted way. Yes, humor is always good.
18. Don’t take it personally – Recognize that other people’s reactions are not your responsibility. You can’t control how others react to your boundaries. Don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t like your boundaries.

19. Be mindful of your tone – Use a confident but respectful tone of voice. Your tone can communicate a lot about how you feel. Use a confident but respectful tone to communicate your boundaries effectively.
20. Be honest – Don’t make excuses or lie to avoid saying no. Honesty is key to establishing healthy boundaries. Don’t make excuses or lie to avoid saying no. Be honest about your needs and limitations.

21. Use “no, but” – Offer an alternative solution that is within your boundaries. Saying no doesn’t always have to mean shutting someone down completely. Offer an alternative solution that is within your boundaries.
22. Limit your exposure – Reduce contact with people who consistently violate your boundaries. Sometimes, limiting your exposure to people who consistently violate your boundaries is necessary. You have the right to protect yourself from toxic relationships.

23. Be prepared for pushback – Anticipate and prepare for people who may challenge your boundaries. It’s natural for people to test your boundaries. Anticipate and prepare for pushback so that you can respond effectively.
24. Seek support – Get advice and support from friends or a therapist. Setting boundaries can be challenging. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate the process.
25. Set consequences – Establish consequences for those who repeatedly ignore your boundaries. Consequences can help reinforce your boundaries and let others know that you’re serious. Be clear about the consequences of violating your boundaries.

26. Give yourself permission – Recognize that you have the right to set boundaries and say no. You have the right to prioritize your needs and set boundaries that are true to who you are. Give yourself permission to do so. If you don’t give yourself permission, then I give you permission.
27. Be aware of your emotions – Recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed and take action to protect yourself. Your emotions can be a signal that your boundaries are being violated. Be aware of your emotions and take action to protect yourself.

28. Don’t negotiate – Avoid bargaining or compromising on your boundaries. Your boundaries are important and should be respected. Don’t negotiate or compromise on your boundaries. This one is non-negotiable!
29. Practice self-care – Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Setting boundaries can be emotionally taxing. Take care of yourself by practicing self-care activities, like exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones.
30. Celebrate your successes – Recognize and celebrate your achievements in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries takes practice and patience. Recognize and celebrate your successes along the way.

Remember, setting healthy boundaries takes practice and patience. Start with small steps and be kind to yourself along the way. With time and effort, you can establish strong boundaries and improve your relationships and overall well-being. Believe me, I know it’s a tall order, but for me each time I enforced my boundaries, I found that it was empowering, and it felt FANTASTIC. I know how much we all love things that just feel good. This is a big one. The empowerment that each small act gifted me with became the outer boundary of my newfound boundaries.

I do want to warn you about one thing regarding setting your boundaries. These people that we have spent months or years being boundaryless with don’t typically like boundaries. The lack of boundaries is what allows them to take our kindness for weakness and repeatedly take advantage of us. (I know we have all played both parts in this storyline, but for once, this is ALL ABOUT YOU.) The part I now think is hilarious is that I always, and I mean always, know when I am being manipulated. I spent most of my life being a master of this craft. I knew these people were trying to manipulate me, and I would help them anyway.

I don’t know if I was feeling embarrassed for them internally or if my pity clouded my newly found good judgment, but I would help them anyway. Over time they stopped putting so much effort into the manipulation because they knew it wasn’t needed. Sorry. So embarrassing on my part. Everybody gets mad when their meal ticket suddenly develops and defines HEAL-THY boundaries, so be prepared to deal with it by getting out your butt-kicking boots and digging in those heels. The kitchen is closed.

You wouldn’t believe the backlash I have dealt with. This is the number one reason why I have NO friends. Everybody got a problem when they stop getting what they want. Never mind the 10k they owe you from the last 7 years of lending them money for gas and/or cigarettes that they have never even once mentioned paying you back for after the request. You are an #$hole now. Just be consistent across the board. Tell them you are doing some deep intrinsic work or integrating your shadow, and this has to happen for you to be able to grow. I might not currently have any friends, but I also don’t have chronic headaches anymore or find myself worrying how a “friends” kids will eat this week.

People count on the fact that we have suffered in the past. We are good people and know how it feels to have the world turn its back on us. It hurts our hearts to see others go through what we went through. This isn’t easy, and I won’t pretend that it is, but it’s necessary. I still struggle with it regularly. I had a reader email me about my offer to mail fentanyl tests, on my dime, to readers who could not find them in their area after consulting with me.

The reader did not reach out to me about this, so I didn’t know if there was access in their area. When I expressed this in a return email, the person started freaking out like I was a fed. No, I am absolutely not a fed. Ew. Just ew. Like, how did you think I was going to mail them to you? You’re freaking out because I asked what part of the country you’re in. C’mon.

I did break heal-thy boundaries by making that offer, though. I make excuses. Well, this is for a good cause. It’s to save lives. This is different because… Do yourself a favor and never allow yourself to violate your newly found heal-thy boundaries with ANY excuse, or next thing you know, you will have seven pro-bono clients and be struggling to put food on the table. Then you’re forced to manipulate yourself into someone else’s kitchen. Let’s just avoid the whole ordeal and have enough respect for ourselves to JUST SAY NO, like we should have all those years ago after we participated in DARE and were more intrigued by what the officer shared than scared. We don’t think like normal people, so we just gotta find our groove. You’ll be alright.

In conclusion, I think that removing the people we call friends, which we should have removed a long time ago, offers a sense of sadness mixed with a sense of relief at the same time. I had no idea how much of my stress came from trying to take care of other families when I can barely provide for my own. Here I am cleaning out my cupboards for someone that receives aid but claims they don’t have food for their kids. I honestly probably just did it for so long because everyone loves the hero. I’ve never been the hero in any context, so let me play the hero real quick. I can be such a dumb a$#.

Learn from my missteps. That’s why I am here. I might not be a hero, but I am definitely no longer a zero, either. Look at me trying to be clever. I know. I know. Not so much. I might not have friends now, but I know that my high vibin self will be attracting my tribin any day now. (I’m so off. That one was horrible too.) Oh, wait! I do have a friend now!

I didn’t even tell you guys! The Sober Curator, Alysse Bryson, said she will be my friend! Can I just tell you that I love her so so much? She was kind enough to agree to meet with me last week, and you know how you meet someone, and you just know you are so aligned? This was Alysse and me. I could have talked to her for days. I love her energy and everything she is putting out in the universe. We both share a passion for helping people in recovery, and I HIGHLY recommend checking out her site by clicking the button below.

You can also become a sober curator, as I have, and contribute regularly or even just once. We will be doing a lot of work together moving forward, and I will always keep you apprised because I love ya. I really do, too, so what I don’t actually know you. I have unconditional love for all, and you should too.

See? I do have a friend. A new one. A new heal-thy one. I got this, and so do you.

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Hit the button below and be taken to the awesomeness of Alysse Bryson and The Sober Curators, which will soon include me! You will love this site. Be sure to subscribe to their newsletter, like, share, comment, and all the things!

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I can’t stop with these more than 2.5 feet jellyfish lava lamps that I got for my kids. I got them to reward them for quitting TV before bed on school nights, and we couldn’t be happier with them. First off, they are huge. Much taller than my 6-year-old. Believe it or not, people stay asking me if they are real jellyfish. Ofc, I have to mess with them and pretend that they are indeed real. e talking teenagers here but c’mon. Our future may just be in trouble. Highly recommend these bad boys.

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I got this before Thanksgiving last year, and I couldn’t be happier with it. The towels are really nice and soft. Even now, my mat is thick and comfy. It’s got all the Yoga tools I need, and it just happens to be my favorite color. FYI- they have this in just about every color. Check them out.

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**I include affiliate links throughout this blog post. While they come at zero cost to you, they help support my work. If you buy through links on this page, I may earn a small commission. I only ever promote companies I personally use, love and that I believe will benefit my readers. All products are items that I and/or my family and/or friends use and love. I stand by my recommendations. I appreciate you!**

If you liked this post, be sure to check out The Benefits of Meditation In Addiction Recovery, The Effects of Addiction on Our Children and How to Repair and hmu in the comments below.

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