Integrating My Shadow: How it Helped Me Love My Life

I would like to share about the integration of my shadow and how it helped me love my life. As I write, I am sitting on a seat of a ferry from Culebra, Puerto Rico, back to Machos, Ceiba, PR. My daughter passed out exhausted after her last day in paradise. My son babbling away because he slept the entire day under the umbrella at the beach. This is only my third time traveling out of New England. I went to Miami two years ago and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, in February of last year. Both were via air, though we missed three of our four flights to South Carolina. Yes, it was all my fault.

I hate that I had a single mom and a very poor upbringing. I am in love with traveling, but the cost is just so high. I’m not going to lie. I would even go so far as to say that I resent my mom for never showing us the world. I guess, in her way, she tried. She would drink all across MA and VT, and we would tag along.

Burlington Airport

I had never even so much as been in an airport until I was twenty-seven, and the jail in Burlington needed beds because of overcrowding. I was being held on lack of approved residence, so when they needed beds, suddenly my residence was approvable, even though I had sat there for eight months of my life with them telling me it wasn’t. They didn’t even have time to wait three hours for someone to come pick me up, so they sent me packing with a bus ticket that I had to catch at Burlington Airport. I was even impressed with that airport.

If you had told me eight years ago that I would someday have children and bring them to places like Puerto Rico, I would have laughed until I cried. I allowed other people to limit my possibilities, and in hindsight, I see that was where I went wrong for so long. Spending a good portion of my childhood being homeless, my heart continues to go out to those that are homeless. I will give someone my last five bucks because I know exactly how they feel. I went home one day, and everything in our apartment was just gone except for my bedroom. My mom had taken my sister and moved away and left no forwarding address. I stayed at the apartment for two weeks until the landlord boarded up the windows on me.

Further Festival

To be fair, it was all my fault. My mom was an addicted mom with a side of alcoholism, and she was never around. I had a party, and it got too big for me to handle. Someone hit the lady that lived upstairs car, and someone else broke into her unoccupied apartment. To make matters worse, when the landlord called and told me to tell my mom that we had to move, I whipped a liquor bottle across the kitchen and broke the bay window. When it rains, it pours.

I wrote a note to my mom and walked up to route seven, and stuck out my thumb. I got picked up by a van full of hippies that were heading to Further Festival, so I tagged along, thinking I would give my mom a few days to cool off. When I went back home eleven days later, this was nothing new. I did this pretty often. That’s when I realized I had been abandoned.

I Will Never Leave You

Some people say they have abandonment issues, but in my experience, they have rarely truly experienced even a hint of true abandonment. My mom abandoned me to go live with her boyfriend out of state. The kicker was that my bedroom had remained completely untouched. To me, that said it all. It’s my problem, and I would have to make my own way.

Sitting in that empty apartment, I wanted to give up. My life to that point had also been a nightmare, and try as I may, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It hurt even more two decades later when I unexpectedly became a mom at the age of thirty-five and again at the age of thirty-nine. The very first words I ever said to my daughter were, “I will NEVER leave you.” I can’t tell you how much I meant it.

Silently Suffering

My sister and I had been raising ourselves for a long time by that point. I refused to let myself be a victim, and it turns out this refusal would follow me for a lifetime. I allowed myself to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. When I woke up, I had another party.

I really can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t silently suffering, and I don’t do silence. If it’s quiet, I am left with my thoughts, and that needs to be avoided at all costs. The first time I was arrested, I was seventeen. It was for shoplifting. My best friend and I decided to steal CDs while we were waiting for her dad to get out of work so we could catch a ride back to town with him. Yes. We definitely got arrested at her dad’s work. I still feel bad about it.

Avoiding Chaos

I managed to pull myself together for a few years after that, got my first car, and I completed training to become a Certified Nurse’s Assistant. Just went to work every day and did really well and managed to avoid chaos somehow.

I have always said that one of the things that all addicted people share is self-loathing. Show me a person with substance abuse disorder that has even a little bit of self-love. You can’t. We spent our childhood dealing with constant and extreme discomfort and never felt that we were normal. We were popular somehow but never fit in. My best simile is that I always felt I was wearing a skin suit that was five sizes too small.

Things We Had No Control Over

This is usually a direct result of things that may have happened to us that we had absolutely no control over. Some form of abuse sexual, physical, mental, emotional, etc. An average person might read this and think it makes no sense. Why would we hate ourselves because of something that someone else did? Even in hindsight, I don’t have the answer to that. Maybe it was because we allowed it to happen, or maybe because we kept and keep quiet about it, fearing what others will think of us.

Whatever it was that happened, it correlates to why we picked up that first drug and why we couldn’t seem to put it down. It made me forget about it all. It slowed down my racing thoughts, and I was temporarily focused and okay with life. I often say when sharing my story that I put down Barbies and picked up heroin, and that’s exactly what I did. I was searching for something, anything that would help me forget. Something that would take away the internal pain that I was constantly struggling with.

Functionally Heroin-Addicted Individual

My second arrest was a doozie. I was eighteen, and I had gotten a dumpy apartment in the only bad part of the town. I had a roommate, and I was working two jobs, attending college, and managing to be a functionally heroin-addicted individual, or so I thought. My roommate bailed because her use was spiraling out of control, and I enabled it. There was no plan to stop using, and this had happened to me before. I was used to it.

I was terrified of losing my apartment and being homeless again, and the girl that sold me dope suddenly needed a place to stay. Yeah. That wasn’t so smart. Cut to me hiding in my closet, watching all of the people I thought were my friends getting thrown on the floor by the drug task force. To make a long and complicated story short, my roommate tried to run to the bathroom to flush the dope. She was tackled on the way with 9.6 grams. I was clean. They found nothing on me.

An Example

It didn’t matter for some reason because I was charged with possession of heroin and sales. I went to court the next morning and found out that it was the first real house raid our town had up to that point. My roommate’s parents paid for the best attorney in town, and he was good. I showed up to court in rough shape with a nearly empty courtroom. It was decided by someone at that point that I was going to be made an example. They were going to show the public that our town would not tolerate dealing heroin on our streets. Forget the fact that I was one of the town’s kids.

This is where I went wrong. I was sentenced to 1-6 years TO SERVE for being addicted to heroin. My roommate never did more than that first couple of nights, to my knowledge. The state’s attorney let me know for a lifetime that I wasn’t worth it. No offers of rehab for me. I got one choice only. Jail, and don’t you dare think about passing that GO. On two occasions when my public offender actually pitied me and my “issue,” I begged for rehab, and after I served my one-year minimum incarcerated, I was permitted to go to rehab.

Wasting Your Time

There was even an incident where one of my workers went to court with me for support. She later reported to me that the state’s attorney had approached her and said, “You are wasting your time on this one.” This woman of power that I had never even said more than “Not Guilty,” to didn’t think that I was worth it. Meaning I’m not worth it. I see nobody even showing up for my court dates, and I began to think I’m not worth it.

Every time I went to jail for the pettiest of crimes or just violating probation. I could see every time I walked into that courtroom that my existence annoyed her. She never saw me as a good person with a bad problem, as many have stated when referencing this period. She looked at me with contempt, distaste, and disdain. When I violated probation, it made the second page of the news. It was because of the visible issues this woman had towards me that my character was shredded into tiny pieces by the local news.

Hit the Ground Running

She would send me off to jail, which was essentially a crime school for a young girl like me. I got more connections and learned better ways to use and sell drugs. This was all before addiction was officially a disease. It became a cycle that nearly killed me. I would get out of jail, and I would always hit the ground running, and I would go out and apply to the same places that had turned me down a hundred times before. Praying that no one recognized my name from the paper. I would always be on what we call FSU (Field Supervisory Unit or house arrest.) Back then, we coined the term F*#king Set Up because it was. Who on earth can determine where they will be every second of every day for two weeks prior to any of the scheduled events were to take place? If you’re late, you’re going back. You miss group; you’re going back.

Thirty Days Until Rent is Due

“Here’s a dumpy apartment with nothing in it but a phone. We have to be able to call and check on you. Showing up all the time isn’t enough. You have thirty days until your rent is due.” That’s how it went every time. I always had the best intentions. I really did. Do you have any idea how depressing it was to sit in a completely empty apartment by yourself after being released from jail? Something with me and empty apartments, eh?

I pounded the pavement until my shoes had no treads left. I mean- this is a very small Vermont town. The entire population is a little over eight thousand people. I remember walking down Main Street on day twenty, having this big redneck truck repeatedly driving by me. l was the “example,” and in the redneck world of chugging Bud (no offense, ladies and gents), I was not considered to be human, which inevitably was reflected in their kind and caring treatment towards me. The next thing I know, I hear that loud ass truck “loser looping” it yet again, and I start walking faster. That didn’t help me one bit. I felt something bite the back of my head, heard a loud thunk, and a loud and very clear yell that I can still hear today, “Die, you F*$King Junky!” They actually wasted a can of Bud on me. They threw a can of bud at my skull. Yup, the first of many such incidents.

Hurtful Words

Even though I could not in a million years treat ANY living thing in that way, I am glad it happened, and I forgave them a long time ago. It is them and their hurtful words that got me where I am today. I coached one of the redneck’s eighteen-year-old kids because he was caught up in the system. Those synchronicities, man. I never said a word about it, of course, and I don’t know if the guy doesn’t remember me or if he is pretending, but he learned the hard way that addiction has no bias.

Addiction just destroys. Destroys, incapacitates, and turns cold. It’s the scariest, nastiest monster to ever exist by far. It leaves no one, and it will never quit until you quit, and even then, as the rooms like to say, when you are in the meeting, your addictions in the parking lot doing pushups, just waiting for the chance to slide in and get back in to continue its path of destruction.

I didn’t relapse that time until a week later when the same scenario that happened to me every time played itself out once again. Day twenty-three, no job and very little money. I had two choices, and both ended in finishing school, but one would delay finishing school significantly. Telling myself again, “I will make one trip, just one flip, and I can’t use.” Even told me, knowing damn well how this ended because I was living it on repeat. This was a cycle that went on for twenty years of my life.

Finishing School

Eventually, my finishing school, which had twenty women when I started visiting, had grown to over two hundred women, which is nothing considering that’s all the women in the state for inmates. They began treating me much like the State’s Attorney’s office had and continued to treat me. They would administratively segregate me in the hole by myself for months at a time. This was my worst nightmare come true. There were centipedes and silverfish down there. Being forced to be stuck in my head with no meds, drugs, and/or distractions was inexplicably torturous and inhumane to me. I really started to be hard on myself at this point. It was about as bad as it can get for a human being. There was nobody wishing they were in my shoes, that’s for sure.

There it is, people. The cycle that was my life. I already told my story of How I beat my addiction to Heroin using the Law of Attraction, which you can read by clicking Part 1 and Part 2. When I made a decision to stop using, it was a decision that I had made a couple of hundred times before. I was aware that what I had been doing was NOT working. In the healthiest way, I started to begin to process things that had happened in my life. I have always been a very forward-focused person. Let the sleeping dogs lie kind of thing. Until the Universe began placing the work of Carl Gustav Jung and shadow work in my path.

I Started Listening

Shadow work has had a seriously profound effect on my quality of life. Throughout my journey, I started not being so materialistic. I stopped talking so much and being over talkative and started listening. I started to feel love in my heart, and then I was able to project that onto the world. Suddenly I didn’t have a reason to feel depressed. I realized about a month ago that I love my life. Say what? You heard me. It helped me love my life, and I believe that if you are in a stable place in your long-term recovery, are seeing a therapist, and have an active sober support network; it can help you too.

What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is a psychological process that helps us gain insight into our Shadow Selves. Our Shadow Self is the unconscious aspect of our personality, composed of repressed feelings, qualities, and experiences that are not part of our conscious identity. By engaging with the parts of ourselves that exist below our awareness, we can better understand both our strengths and weaknesses, unlock subconscious motivations and become more aware of what drives us in life.

The last thing anyone wants to do is go back, especially those struggling with SUD. This is something for those of us in long-term recovery that are still struggling or just can’t seem to let go. Please speak with your psychiatrist or therapist before proceeding with your own shadow work.

The Role of Therapy in Shadow Integration

As mentioned above, while shadow integration can be done on your own, therapy can be a valuable tool in the process. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for exploring and integrating your shadow and can offer guidance and insight along the way. Additionally, a therapist can help you to identify and work through any underlying emotional or psychological issues that may be contributing to your shadow. Overall, therapy can be a powerful complement to shadow integration, helping you to achieve greater self-awareness, healing, and personal growth.

Tips for Working with Your Shadow Self.

Working with your shadow self can seem intimidating at first, but it doesn’t have to be! I already told you how I felt about it. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to it. Shadow integration can have many benefits for personal growth and healing. Ultimately, shadow integration can help us to become more whole and integrated individuals, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Here are some tips that can help you in your journey of self-exploration and shadow work:

1. Make time for yourself – dedicate a certain amount of time each day or week to explore your inner world.

2. Create a safe space – find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted so that you can focus on connecting with your true self.

3. Journaling – writing down your thoughts, feelings, and observations is a great way to track progress and gain clarity on different aspects of yourself.

4. Meditation – grounding practices such as mindfulness meditation can help clear the mental clutter and access deeper parts of yourself.5. Find supportive people – seek out those who understand what you’re going through or are interested in similar topics; they may be able to offer valuable insights or advice on how they worked through similar issues themselves. You may also like to check out my post about How meditation can help those of us in recovery.

Overcome Emotional Blockages with Shadow Work Techniques

Shadow work can help to identify the core beliefs and patterns that create emotional blockages in our lives and provide us with the opportunity to overcome them. By exploring our shadow self, we can understand more deeply why we react in certain ways and how our experiences shape us. In understanding this knowledge, we become aware of our unconscious patterns and develop insights into what may be holding us back from achieving a greater sense of self-empowerment. Many of us have a blockage when it comes to emotions. It took me forty-two years to learn that emotions are HEAL-thy. It’s okay to get angry, and it’s awesome to cry. All HEAL-thy emotions. Don’t deny yourself the ability to feel and heal in a HEAL-thy way.

I decided early on that I would never allow myself to be a victim. This led to a lot of stiff upper lips and an accumulation of the build-up of my shit. I may not have a lot of the “yets” that many people’s addictions force onto them, but I’m an empath, and I have heard or seen it all, and though I may not have the same bottom as you do, please don’t think that I don’t understand. I had been hustling for my entire existence, and I know I was lucky. It was always important to me to be a good person with values that I refused to allow my addiction to consume.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel.

I just want to reiterate that if I did it, then you can too. Out of everything I have been through in my life, I have to say that shadow work is up there in emotional difficulty, but it is at the top for benefits. I went in knowing, as my Pop used to tell me, “There is a light at the end of the tunnel, kid.” Being on the other side of that light, I want to be that light for those still sick, struggling, and suffering.  I’m here.

If you are ready to begin your shadow work today or you want to learn more, check out my post, The Benefits of Shadow Work with Free Prompt Journal PDF, and make sure that you grab your FREE 136-page Shadow Work Prompt Journal. It provides a beautifully curated prompt for each day to be done over sixteen weeks. If you are interested in learning more about shadow work, you can also check out my post, The Benefits of Shadow Work.

Post Off Quote

“We often become what we believe ourselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. When I believe I can, I acquire the ability to do it, even if I didn’t have it in the beginning.”

-Gandhi

Post Off Affirmation (Until Next Time)

I am so happy and grateful for all that I have.

If this post resonated with you and/or you have/are working on your shadow work, please let me know how it’s going in the comments below. I would love to hear about your experiences. If you need support through your shadow work, please reach out via the comments or email me at [email protected]. I will be happy to help in any way I am able. Please stay strong because I believe in you. I know how hard it is, but I am telling you that if my wimpy ass can do it, then anyone can. YOU CAN.

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Oculus Quest 2

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